What are Boundaries and How do We Set them?
We are increasingly seeing more and more on the topic of boundaries. We are told we must set personal boundaries and enforce them. But what exactly are boundaries? How do we establish them, and how do we enforce them? Read on to learn more.
What are Boundaries?
Personal boundaries are the values, limits, and rules we set for ourselves within our relationships. They are applicable to our professional, romantic, personal, and familial relationships. Boundaries establish a perimeter around what you will and will not tolerate in the behavior of others towards you. They also cover what others should expect of you.
Having boundaries is integral to how others treat us and perceive us. They are also important to how we treat and perceive ourselves. Your self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence is all tied in to how effective your personal limits are. Your boundaries enable you to take care of yourself and to protect your time and energy.
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.” Dr. Henry Cloud
When you have healthy, workable boundaries, you are comfortable saying no to others and communicating what you can do. They also enable you to establish relationships and connect with others. Enforcing healthy boundaries means that you are confident in your opinions and value your point of view. You will not push down how you feel or go against your values for another. Additionally, having sound boundaries will enable you to communicate what you want or need. Healthy boundaries allow you to respect the boundaries of others also. You will be less likely to overstep the line with someone else. For example, you will be more accepting and comfortable with someone saying no to you. If you have well-established boundaries, you will know how much personal information to share, versus over-sharing.
If your boundaries are too harsh, you will have trouble developing and maintaining intimacy and close relationships. You may find it difficult to open up and share parts of yourself and your life with others. Others are kept at a distance. People with rigid boundaries are reluctant to ask for help or to show vulnerability. They also may fear rejection.
Someone who has boundaries that are too flexible or unclear will find it hard to say no to others. They may engage in people pleasing behaviors and expect rejection if they go against another’s wishes. They do not place much value on their own opinions, and instead focus on what others think. Since their boundaries are porous, they permit ill-treatment or disrespect. These factors combined lead them to overshare personal information and be more available to others than is healthy.
People can have a mix of these different boundary traits. Your office boundaries may differ from those you enforce at home or among your friends.
Types of Boundaries
Boundaries can be physical, related to your personal space, touch, proximity, etc.
There are emotional boundaries. For example, not being lied to – they are related to your emotional energy and mental wellness.
Time and space boundaries. These are based on protecting your time and energy.
You can also set boundaries around your sexuality, morals and values, finances, possessions, and social media.
How To Tell if You Have Healthy Boundaries
If the boundaries you set are too rigid, porous, or unclear, you may experience some of the following:
You feel like you put everyone else before yourself. It may seem like other people’s wants and needs are more pressing than yours. You feel like you are sacrificing your own wellbeing for the comfort of others.
You have trouble saying no or feel guilty about it.
You feel burnt out or overwhelmed. You have overcommitted yourself within your family, amongst friends, or at work. You feel like you do not have time for yourself.
You do not have a sense of self, or feel like you are losing your sense of self.
You question or second-guess your opinions and values.
You feel unseen, unheard, or taken advantage of in your relationship or at work.
You feel responsible for the feelings and emotions of others. You are overinvolved in other people’s problems and feel like you must help and fix.
Your relationships lack intimacy and are marked by detachment or distance on your part.
Excessive self-criticism or low self-esteem.
Lack of self-care.
How to Set Boundaries
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” Brene Brown
Reflect on what you will and will not tolerate from the people in your life. This includes work colleagues, friends, family (including children and parents), your partner, etc. Come up with a concise guideline of how you want to be treated in each of your interpersonal spheres. Think about the boundaries you already have:
What are areas that are lacking in boundaries?
Which areas need clearer boundaries?
What boundaries do you still need or want? These may differ for different people, situations, or groups.
Then figure out what your response will be when someone oversteps your bounds. Remember to communicate. You must let someone know when they have crossed a line with you. The best way to do that is through clear, respectful communication. Do not be afraid to say no to something that does not serve you. Then make sure you follow through with your response.
For example:
Romantic partner not respecting your needs: “How much longer will you be reading your book? I need help with cleaning out the garage.”
“I got home from work not too long ago, right now I need to relax and rest.”
“It won’t take long, I want to get it done now. You can read after.”
“I get that the garage needs to be cleared out, but I’m not up to doing that right now.”
Family overstepping: “Where is your wife?”
“She has gone for her run, Mom.”
“She should spend more time with the kids.”
“She does.”
“It’s not enough, she should be with them more. I feel bad for the kids. She’s their mother, she should take care of them.”
“The kids are fine. She and I decide our schedules together. This is how we choose to do things. Your frequent negative comments do not help.”
“I just want the kids to have a good home life.”
“You care about the kids and I get that, but my wife and I do things our way. Let us parent them as we see best, without interference.”
Co-worker who interrupts:
“So, in order to achieve that I suggest- “
“I think we should do something totally different because – “
“Mike, let me finish what I was saying, it may end up addressing your concerns. And then I’m happy to open it up to rest of the team.”
Relaxing Your Boundaries
Sometimes we relax our boundaries for someone we care about or for a pressing issue at work. When you do make that boundary sacrifice, make sure that it is because you want to. It should not be done because you feel you have to, or feel obligated, or because you are afraid of what will happen if you do not do it. If you feel infringed upon or resentful, you are encountering a problem with your boundaries. If you have healthy boundaries, you will not be in fear of the consequences of not doing something. If you have weak boundaries, you will be worried about what will happen or how your relationship will change if you do not do it.
Extra Support
Setting boundaries can take time and practice – both for you to implement them and for people to accept them.
Young adults may experience difficulties setting and maintaining boundaries with their peer groups or even parents. Therapy for teens can help adolescents who are struggling with personal boundaries to the point that it is affecting their self-esteem and causing anxiety.
Therapy for couples is useful in helping partners establish and respect each other’s boundaries. It also teaches effective communication and strategies to manage conflict whilst respecting the other’s limits.
If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, or a mental health condition and are interested in getting support, we are here for you. Click here to set up a free 15 minute consultation. We are accepting clients with 48 hours and will match you with a therapist best suited to your needs. Our experienced team of BIPOC therapists speak more than 10 languages between them. Your therapist will provide you culturally sensitive care with an understanding of your background. We have three locations, Newark, San Jose, and Irvine, and also provide online therapy, known as telehealth.
FAQs
-
In order to have a fulfilling and healing journey to recovery, you need to have a professional therapist that also:
Understands background diversity and intersectional wellness
Understands cultural sensitivities and nuances
Will offer a safe space free of judgement
Trust Mental Health’s diverse team of therapists are multilingual and have a range of client focuses. We will take the time to understand your specific circumstances and match you with a therapist that is the best fit for you.
-
Depression and anxiety can be experienced separately and are also interlinked. We have free resources that can help you gauge how you are feeling. Please click here for our free assessment resources.
-
Telehealth is online/virtual therapy. Your therapy sessions are conducted online. Through telehealth, you can attend your sessions from your home or office without having to commute every week or spend time looking for parking. Trust Mental Health offers telehealth.